Tweets by the Great Ruth Buzzi

[davidhayes1956]

My first husband was over 6'4", 220 pounds, and from the Isle of Crete. How could I have been so stupid as to marry such a huge ex-Cretian?

That awkward moment when you realize the marvelous gleam in your first husband's eye was just sunlight streaming through a hole in his head.

I believe in the separation of church and hate.

I saw two old drunks were sitting across from us in a bar. "That's us in 10 years," I said to my husband. He said, "That's the mirror, dumb ass."

I used to think that Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms was a governmental agency. Then I moved to Texas, and discovered it's a convenience store.

A restaurant with a smoking section is no better than a swimming pool with a peeing section.

LIFE WOULD BE BETTER if our career politicians were limited to two terms: one in office and one in prison.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing over the glass of water, I drank it. Thank you, (signed) the Opportunist.

Apologizing doesn't always mean you were wrong and the other person was right. It can mean you value the relationship more than your ego.

If only closed minds came with mouths to match.

I'm still haunted by things I did for a Klondike bar.

You were born as an original. Don't, under any circumstances, die as a duplicate.

My cat just bought a life insurance policy; it pays double if he's taken by curiosity.

My cat just applied for unemployment as an out of work pest control specialist.

I'm thinking of opening a Chinese restaurant on Capital Hill. All the fortune cookies would say, "You're an idiot."

Sarcasm isn't nice but it beats killing people.

If you can't afford a good medical exam, go to an airport! They'll give you a free X-ray and breast exam; mention AlQaeda for a colonoscopy.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said he only eats what he kills. By the way, Mark, exactly how does privacy taste, anyway?

Welcome to the era of smart phones and stupid humans.

Word of the day: "Procrastinating" (verb). Definition: (I'll tell you later...)

Our cat had a panic attack when he heard we bought a new shredding machine. He thought he was being replaced by automation.

I told my first husband I had a strong desire to kill him. He told me that meant I needed professional help. I agreed, and hired a hitman.

Open up a fine, old wine to let it breathe. Watch the bottle very carefully. If it does not appear to be breathing, give it Mouth-to-Mouth.

Blond: T-G-I-F! Man in elevator: S-H-I-T! Blond: All I meant was "Thank God it's Friday!" Man: "All I meant was Sorry Honey It's Thursday."

If a bumper sticker could influence the way you vote, you really shouldn't be voting.

Scientists at Cal-Tech are trying to determine the center of the universe. When they find it, some of my friends will be very disappointed.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are mercilessly cut down, sliced up, chopped to pieces and eaten by vegetarians. Stop the violence.

Your brain's very important real estate. Never rent cheap space in your brain to anyone who's harmed you in the past.

My ex-husband got fired from the Pepsi Cola Company. He tested positive for Coke.

"If you ever fall, I'll be there." - the floor

[Mistermoonlight]

Wow. She is STILL funny! So glad to see that. Great stuff.

And on the subject of Texas, I'd sacrifice one of my relatives to see her and Kinky Friedman square off someday.

[davidhayes1956]

The first tweet was just posted today. The only hint that she is going a little senile is that she took a liking to me and has sent me a few personal e-mails.

[Mistermoonlight]

Do you think 'minotaur' might possibly be some kind of Cretian reference to sexual stamina?

Too bad she went with the ex-Cretian. She might have been happier with a pro-Cretian. But at least she didn't even look at the Cretins.

[davidhayes1956]

She and Kinky exchange tweets and are going to be at an event somewhere to raise money for animal shelters. Kinky re-tweeted this post by Ruth in October last year:

Isn't there room for civil discussion in politics? Can't both sides calmly sit at a table and casually lie about whom they really represent?

[davidhayes1956]

I didn't even know who Kinky was, so I went to You Tube and watched this:

[davidhayes1956]

Another Ruth Buzzi tweet re-tweeted by Kinky:

Thank you for calling the Paranoia Help Line. Please hold a moment while we trace your call and have a quick look at your criminal history.

[Mistermoonlight]

Kinky's origina band name was 'Kinky Friedman' and the Texas Jewboys' and my favorite song by them was 'Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed."

Favorite Kinky quote: "Criticize me all you want but don't circumcise me anymore."

Looks like my second cousin is dogmeat now.

[davidhayes1956]

In that video I posted he said that a relative always said to wash your hands and say your prayers because germs and Jesus are everywhere. It's amazing how, even with a finite number of words, there are an infinite way to express yourself.

[Mistermoonlight]

Words are wonderful thingamajiggs, aren't they?

Actually, he said Naomi Judd said that line. I had to Google it to be sure, but he's right. Naomi Judd, who'd have thunk it?

[Mistermoonlight]

And, in a further chapter of the 'who'd have ever thunk it' category, take a look at the video from Kinky Friedman, with Ruth Buzzi in the audience!



A much better version of the song here:



I can't help but think Kinky's call to the band member 'Wichita" isn't a salute to The Statler Brothers classic comedy album "Lester 'Roadhog' Moran and The Cadillac Cowboys":

[davidhayes1956]

A new Buzzi tweet: It's okay to disagree with me. This is America and nobody can force you to be right.

[davidhayes1956]

And thanks for the video with Ruth "Buzzy" in the audience, Mr. Moonlight.

[davidhayes1956]

Someone has just named a new lily that was developed the "Ruth Buzzi Lilly." So I photo shopped the new lily into a Gladys Ormphby Lilly being pollinated by an Ormph Bee.

[Mistermoonlight]

Apr 12, 2012 17:34:43 GMT -5 @davidhayes1956 said:

A new Buzzi tweet: It's okay to disagree with me. This is America and nobody can force you to be right.

Damn I wish I'd said that!

David, thanks for turning me back on to a comediene I'd written off a long time ago, after Laugh-In was over. She's even better than she was then.

That is an example of the perfect comedy line. You look at it and you think 'I could have come up with that.' But ya didn't, Blanche, ya didn't. You're still stuck in that chair.

It's not rocket surgery, it's just comedy done masterfully.

Which is probably even harder.

P.S. Does Bill O'Reilly know this?

[Mistermoonlight]

Apr 12, 2012 17:47:59 GMT -5 @davidhayes1956 said:

Someone has just named a new lily that was developed the "Ruth Buzzi Lilly." So I photo shopped the new lily into a Gladys Ormphby Lilly being pollinated by an Ormph Bee.

That's damned funny, too. Good job!

[davidhayes1956]

It is very hard to think of something simple and with universal appeal. I think she had the same wit back then too but was either under utilized or didn't get credit ... or was taken for granted. I just ran into a Gladys Ormphby quote that was listed under "author unknown" even though it was either by Ruth or at least inspired by her. It goes something like this: "I tried to join the sexual revolution, but I failed the physical."

[Mistermoonlight]

That's what great comedy is made of, because it all comes down to one line in the end, no matter how much you have to set it up. If you can distill something down to one or two lines, you've studied what you're doing.

Of course, in the old days all of the greats could do it: Bob Hope, Groucho Marx, Jack Benny . . . the one-liner was their metier. Recently you didn't see that much, but Twitter is becoming a great vehicle for the rebirth of the one-liner. Steve Martin just wrote a book about great Tweets that he didn't make--they were responses to his tweets. And if you ever get a chance, check out Steve's tweets back and forth to Albert Brooks.

Ruth's mastery of the one-liner reminds me of a couple of my favorite comedians: Emo Phillips and Steven Wright:

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

---Emo Phillips

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

---Steven Wright