What really happened at The CW

[Wang Chung]

The following may or may not have happened in a nondescript industrial building outside Los Angeles in Summer 2011. The names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Chapter one:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: Phil! Long time no see.

Phil: So what's going on, Eric?

Eric: They're shutting it down.

Phil: Shutting what down?

Eric: The CW Lounge.

Phil: The whole thing? You can't be serious. It's been around for ten years. Longer! We revamped it when The WB and UPN merged to form The CW.

Eric: Well, even when The CW began, we were considering not having message boards as such.

Phil: So where will people talk?

Eric: Facebook and Twitter. Or other message boards. We don't care. But The CW is getting out of the business.

Phil: Judging from the Nielsen ratings, I'd say good riddance.

Eric: Not the TV business. The message board business.

Phil: But why?

Eric: It's not a significant revenue source. All we seem to do is publicize the shows. There are other ways to do that.

Phil: And how are the people going to react?

Eric: I don't imagine they'll be too happy. But that's not my concern.

Phil: Whose concern is it?

Eric: (hands Phil a notebook) It's all in here. You inform the administrators and moderators of what's going to happen. And anyone who talks will get banned.

Phil: They can't tell anyone? But this is going to have a major effect on their lives.

Eric: If that's the case, they need to get a life.

Phil: So will I still have a job?

Eric: Come now. You're in charge of interoffice communications. You're the one who forwards all feedback to the right place. You're the one who fields complaints from the administrators and moderators that they can't do anything about. Oh, wait, that last one goes away when the boards do. But there will still be problems to report from the show pages, videos, full episodes, and of course our official Facebook and Twitter presence. And you'll still be in charge of interacting with the techs on all those pages, even if they won't have message boards to update.

Phil: Yeah, sounds like I still have a job.

Eric: And you're authorized to act as a moderator using the name CSRVP1 as long as the boards are here.

Phil: Yeah, that's fun. I still get to ban people.

Eric: Just so you'll know, we're not doing anything until Winter break, but the moderators' job becomes easier once the new shows start.

Phil: And why is that?

Eric: We're not adding any new show boards. People won't feel as free to start new threads on the Main Forum. We'll establish sticky threads, one for each show, and one for each episode, which will be unstickied shortly before the next episode.

Phil: Sounds like the Main Forum will be nothing but stickies.

Eric: It will look that way. Over time, people will get used to having only one main thread to talk on, which will make the adjustment to Facebook and Twitter easier.

Phil: I have another great idea of getting people used to the idea. Continue to enforce the rules like Nazis.

Eric: Well, we will be doing that, but not to drive people away. The people in charge just want to keep things clean.

Phil: So ... Facebook will be clean too?

Eric: Um ... no. But it's Facebook's problem, not ours. They'll enforce content rules, not us. Same for Twitter.

Phil: This all sounds like a great idea.

Eric: I see the rolling eyes smiley even as you say that.

Phil: Will we keep the CW boards around for viewing like we did with The WB?

Eric: That costs money, and the advertisers supported that other move. I don't see the boards staying around much longer after we disable posting.

Phil: So, no major software updates? That should make my job easier.

Eric: Probably. Tierra will still do the other parts of the site. and they'll take care of the new features.

Phil: So when do we delete the boards of the shows that were cancelled?

Eric: Let's not. People hate losing post count. Or we could do it very gradually and end with Smallville.

Phil: Never mind that everyone goes to zero when all this happens.

Eric: Hey, I don't make the decisions. Listen, I gotta go. You have fun reading all that.

Phil: Yeah, right.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

[animalpragmatism]

i love it !

[Aeryn]

ModWang!!!! :heart:

We need more ex-Mods to post in this thread. It's not like they'll get in trouble for it now.

[Wang Chung]

Chapter two:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: So, how's it going?

Phil: Couldn't we do this by email?

Eric: Sure, but I miss this place. I was where you're sitting when the WB boards were blue.

Phil: When do I get a vacation?

Eric: Where did that come from?

Phil: You could take my place. That's what happens when I go on vacation.

Eric: Are you kidding? We've got a ton of work to do before the changeover.

Phil: You said Winter break was when it was happening.

Eric: Yeah, but this is a big deal.

Phil: Only for the people posting, who aren't allowed to know or prepare.

Eric: What did Alice say?

Phil: What do you think she said?

Eric: How did everyone take the news?

Phil: Well ... I didn't tell them.

Eric: You WHAT?

Phil: You gonna ban me?

Eric: I gave you a simple job.

Phil: Remember we were thinking about doing a Facebook-type site when The CW began?

Eric: Well, ultimately it was decided message boards would work better.

Phil: I told Alice to tell everyone to prepare for the POSSIBILITY.

Eric: It's not a possibility. It's pretty definite. Facebook has become THE way to comment on businesses.

Phil: Then why not do it now?

Eric: They want feedback on the new shows. As people adjust to the new way of doing things, they'll adjust to a similar format on Facebook. And quick comments on Twitter.

Phil: You know most of these people want to be anonymous.

Eric: Yeah, and ... ?

Phil: Facebook won't let you do that.

Eric: Who says?

Phil: Everyone uses their real name.

Eric: Because they want people who know them in "real life" to find them. If they made friends in virtual world, they can keep using the name by which their virtual friends know them.

Phil: I'm not sure that's right. And not everyone is on Facebook or wants to be.

Eric: That's their choice. I'm sure there are hundreds of places to talk about the shows.

Phil: What if this Netflix plan works out? We'll have money to pay for the boards then.

Eric: The boards are supposed to be self-supporting. Why subsidize a money-losing operation?

Phil: Says the guy working for the network propped up by CBS and their vile sitcoms and graphic procedurals.

Eric: If Netflix doesn't work, the network may go under.

Phil: At last you admit it. You've seen the ratings.

Eric: Well, with the target audience it's actually better than it looks. You have to count online viewing and taped shows.

Phil: Yeah, about online viewing ... you guys make that too difficult.

Eric: We can't make it too easy or people won't watch--and more importantly, see the commercials.

Phil: Yeah, no one's watching those.

Eric: And it's the same online. We use the boards as a vehicle for promoting the shows, but people tend to block ads. We're not making money from outside advertisers.

Phil: I have to believe people will at least notice the ads.

Eric: The most effective advertising seems to be Chloe Sullivan driving a Yaris or Pete Ross eating Stride gum.

Phil: You do know how they reacted to kryptonite gum on these boards?

Eric: Yeah, so?

Phil: How else are you going to know how stupid your ideas are?

Eric: Facebook will give us that.

Phil: I'm not so sure. I think you need to give these boards a chance.

Eric: You want to come sell it to The Powers That Be?

Phil: It's not like you're trying.

Eric: Tell you what. You come do my job for a while and I'll do yours.

Phil: You've done mine, but I've never done yours.

Eric: When I go on vacation in a couple of weeks, you'll get the chance.

Phil: Who'll take my place?

Eric: We've got an intern coming in. You can visit from time to time after training him, and then I can go enjoy myself.

Phil: Why do you get a vacation and not me?

Eric: I've got seniority. I was here before there were blue boards.

Phil: I'll have to think about this.

Eric: You do that. I've got work to do.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

[Mistermoonlight]

Love it!

Bravo!

[XCWModGramps]

Message boards are so 1990's.......

[Mistermoonlight]

I heard that they had to use telegraph to access the internet back then.

Of course this was an improvement over pony express posting.

[Aeryn]

Jan 24, 2012 18:16:25 GMT -5 XCWModGramps said:

Message boards are so 1990's.......

I like them.

[XCWModGramps]

{sound} <alarm>

[Mistermoonlight]

Jan 24, 2012 18:54:08 GMT -5 XCWModGramps said:

{sound} <alarm>

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

That internal alert system set to go off about anything Aeryn likes comes in handy, doesn't it?

[3sheets2thewind]

The CW really did become the Can't Watch network.

Their motto should be "Viewers??!!!? We don't need no stinking viewers".

[Aeryn]

Jan 24, 2012 19:09:06 GMT -5 Mistermoonlight said:

Jan 24, 2012 18:54:08 GMT -5 XCWModGramps said:

{sound} <alarm>

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

That internal alert system set to go off about anything Aeryn likes comes in handy, doesn't it?

[Wang Chung]

Chapter three:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: Hey, Phil. Ready to take over my job?

Phil: I guess so. Have you met Kurt?

Eric: No, I don't believe I've had the ... pleasure.

Kurt: You got a problem with the way I dress?

Eric: Did it hurt to get those piercings?

Kurt: I don't feel pain, man.

Eric: Obviously not. So, Phil, is he ready?

Phil: Actually, I'm scared to leave this guy alone.

Eric: Just visit here from time to time and make sure he hasn't wrecked the place.

Phil: I can assure you he knows what he's doing.

Eric: Uh, yeah. He's not going to LISTEN to that band, is he?

Kurt: You know it, bro.

Eric: We've got very sensitive equipment in this room.

Phil: He'll be fine. I made him promise to wear headphones.

Eric: So, Phil, have YOU got any questions?

Phil: Well, I do have a couple, as a matter of fact. Kurt pointed out that not only do the episodes contain language we don't allow on the boards, but some of the episode titles do. And we promoted one of our shows with "WTF" which we don't allow even as an acronym.

Kurt: It's messed up, man.

Phil: He cleaned that up for you as if it were on the boards. Trust me, he uses the words we don't allow.

Eric: Just because the shows are raunchy doesn't mean our posters can be.

Phil: It's hypocritical.

Kurt: It's messed up, man.

Eric: Does he do drugs?

Phil: This company has a drug testing policy. Trust me. He's clean.

Kurt: No, I'm not. I haven't washed this shirt in two weeks, or me in three days.

Eric: That's messed up, man.

Kurt: Dude!

Eric: Do we really want him running things just as we're about to shut it all down?

Phil: He is in charge of keeping our interoffice communications running. That won't end.

Eric: I just thought we'd give him the boards and feedback to the moderators and let you keep doing the rest.

Kurt: Dude! I can totally hack into Dawn Ostroff's emails and cancel all the shows.

Eric: It's Eric Pedowitz.

Kurt: Dude! She had an operation?

Eric: She got FIRED.

Kurt: Dude! Why'd it take so long? No one watches this network. You got cable channels half the nation can't even see that get more viewers.

Phil: So, what about the language rules?

Eric: I don't make the rules. You take that up with The Powers That Be while you're trying to do my job.

Phil: You can bet I will. And what's the deal with links?

Eric: What links?

Phil: You know, URLs.

Eric: There was a time, and there shouldn't have been, when people could post them. But it's something our moderators don't have time for. We don't know whether we're dealing with copyright violations, or adult content, or worse yet--viruses and malware.

Phil: Can't we set up an approved list?

Eric: Photos are fine. We're almost certain we're not dealing with problems with those.

Phil: It just seems extreme.

Eric: You take it up with the management. I'm not sure I trust this guy to be in charge of the moderators.

Phil: Technically, he's not. I didn't give him the CSRVP1 authorization.

Kurt: But dude, I could totally hack into it.

Eric: You can't cover your tracks if you do. We're going to be watching you.

Kurt: No way man. But I can make Chloe Sullivan look like Chuck Bartowski.

Eric: Now wait a minute! Chuck is an even bigger computer genius than Chloe.

Kurt: Yeah, but man, he was such an idiot in the first season trying to be a spy.

Eric: I think you mean Jeff and Lester.

Kurt: Dude! That's it. I can make Chloe look like Jeff.

Eric: He's your responsibility.

Phil: I'll do my best.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

[Mistermoonlight]

Jan 27, 2012 13:11:50 GMT -5 Wang Chung said:

Chapter three:


Kurt: Dude! I can totally hack into Dawn Ostroff's emails and cancel all the shows.

Eric: It's Eric Pedowitz.

Kurt: Dude! She had an operation?

[Watchtower]

Jan 27, 2012 13:11:50 GMT -5 Wang Chung said:

Chapter three:

Kurt: No way man. But I can make Chloe Sullivan look like Chuck Bartowski.

Eric: Now wait a minute! Chuck is an even bigger computer genius than Chloe.

Kurt: Yeah, but man, he was such an idiot in the first season trying to be a spy.

Eric: I think you mean Jeff and Lester.

Kurt: Dude! That's it. I can make Chloe look like Jeff.

Eric: He's your responsibility.

Phil: I'll do my best.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

*Googles Chuck Bartowski*

[Deleted]

ModWang!!!!!!!!!

How are things with Emily?? You were the one with Emily, right? I hope I'm not getting you and Gramps mixed up! D:

[Aeryn]

Wang was with Emily. Gramps was with anything in a skirt.

[Deleted]

SHAKE
YOUR
WANG
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
IT!

[power321]

Is Wang a real person?

[Deleted]

Yeah, ModWang. XD

[Wang Chung]

Chapter four:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: Are you Jacob?

Jacob: Yes. So you're Eric.

Eric: Yes. It's good to get a chance to move up.

Jacob: I think you'll find we do things differently here.

Eric: I'm open to change.

Jacob: You're with the big boys now.

Eric: Is Tim enjoying his vacation?

Jacob: He's worried about you.

Eric: He has no reason to be. Phil is not going to blow up everything while I'm here.

Jacob: Phil has pretty much been in charge since you moved up. But now he's doing your job. Meanwhile, Tim is on vacation and I'm supposed to keep an eye on you while you attempt his job.

Eric: I won't let you down.

Jacob: I don't think you can.

Eric: So, what's the deal with shutting down the message boards and switching over to Facebook and Twitter?

Jacob: I'm the one who determined that the advertising revenue didn't justify the expense.

Eric: Don't you care about the relationships these people have formed? You don't want word to leak out so they can't plan on a new place.

Jacob: That's not my problem. You should have relationships with people you can actually see. Frankly, I find it creepy that these people became friends because they had a TV show in common. But more importantly, there's a lot of fighting and ugliness. Let that be Facebook's problem.

Eric: All you care about is numbers?

Jacob: I have a wife and two kids and lots of friends in the real world. And, yes, my kids have real friends too. They think it's cool to have a Dad in TV.

Eric: Getting back to the fighting ... why do you all feel it's important to enforce the rules like Nazis?

Jacob: I find that offensive. I had relatives who died in the Holocaust. And others who survived and wore the numbers on their arms for the rest of their lives, or still have them.

Eric: Well, you have to admit that those people were the ultimate in unreasonable treatment of others.

Jacob: You cannot compare what we ask your moderators to do with what Adolf Hitler did, and to do otherwise is just appalling.

Eric: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm not banned, am I?

Jacob: I don't do the banning.

Eric: Who does?

Jacob: That would be Tim. We're going to pretend you didn't say anything that compared the moderators to the most evil people of the past hundred years.

Eric: I don't know, there are people in the Middle East even now ...

Jacob: Never mind that. The days are numbered for the message boards unless advertising revenues for the boards dramatically increase between now and then.

Eric: Which is why we're not supposed to say anything.

Jacob: That was Tim's call.

Eric: It's going to hit these people hard when they find out.

Jacob: Most of these people don't know what adversity is. If their parents let them have a computer and they spend hours on it talking with people they never saw ... well, I'd say losing their favorite web site is pretty minor in the general scheme of things.

Eric: Well, do you think YOU will still have a job?

Jacob: Part of what I do is to keep that job by cutting unnecessary expenses. You want us to keep the site and fire me?

Eric: Might not be a bad idea.

Jacob: I'm not in programming, but it seems these people are doing a lousy job of making money.

Eric: The shows aren't that popular. That's true.

Jacob: All I do is measure what we're taking in. I'm tempted to say someone just wants a tax writeoff because that's the only way you can justify this. There are cable channels with better numbers than this.

Eric: And what can you do to solve the problem?

Jacob: I don't sell advertising, but our people who do have to really work to convince people they're getting their money's worth. There must be more online viewing or inaccurate Nielsen data. That's got to explain it.

Eric: Again, what can YOU do?

Jacob: Find waste to cut.

Eric: And you're not waste?

Jacob: Not as long as I cut more than I'm paid. What do YOU contribute?

Eric: I keep our computers humming. And we need those for payroll, accounting, interoffice communications, and of course actually broadcasting the shows.

Jacob: Very valuable. I'm not old enough to remember when we didn't have computers for all that, but I don't think we could avoid them now.

Eric: Exactly. My job is safe.

Jacob: Well, somebody has to do it.

Eric: I'll never really be in charge, will I?

Jacob: Not in the foreseeable future.

[Wang Chung]

Chapter five:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: Hey, Phil. How was your vacation?

Phil: Very funny.

Eric: Well, I have a new job for you.

Phil: Does it involve The CW even though we're shutting down the boards?

Eric: Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.

Phil: Oh, goody.

Eric: We are developing an app.

Phil: That's even better news.

Eric: Stop rolling your eyes.

Phil: But I worked hard on that smiley.

Eric: I think you copied it from somewhere.

Phil: Still, I had to find it.

Eric: You know how people complain after a show airs that we're slow to make the episode available online?

Phil: Only too well. And people feel free to start message board topics about it.

Eric: Well, no longer! (Drops three-ring binder full of instructions on Phil's desk) You can watch the day after on your phone! Once YOU get through working out the details.

Phil: So now I have to learn to write apps.

Eric: Given that you won't need to deal with message boards much longer, you'll have plenty of time.

Phil: Are we even dealing with the boards at all?

Eric: Well, there's still feedback, and we have to make sure people are behaving.

Phil: Why, if Facebook doesn't even care about such things?

Eric: Well, as long as we run the boards, we have certain obligations. Once it's Facebook's problem, people can do whatever they want. Even use the f-word.

Phil: I imagine there will be a lot of that.

Eric: The plans are set. Anyway, you need to do all the work involved in creating the app and developing the system to get the videos ready.

Phil: Now getting the videos ready has never been my job.

Eric: It will be.

Phil: So, what, we're laying people off now?

Eric: Well ... this is not for the regular site. The people who handle the trailers and such will still be doing that.

Phil: Why can't they just do this too?

Eric: It's a different site.

Phil: How different?

Eric: You'll find out.

Phil: I don't have time to read all this.

Eric: I know, I know. You were doing my job while I was doing Tim's.

Phil: Did Tim come up with all this?

Eric: Most of it. I actually had to spend time making sure certain details were correct and then print out the other copies for those who need them.

Phil: You know, we have email for stuff like this. The tree-huggers aren't going to be happy we're wasting all this paper.

Eric: I know. We were supposed to be a paperless society by now. But I'm always more comfortable with real paper copies of stuff because, you know, computers have problems.

Phil: Not if I can help it.

Eric: The thing is you can have that notebook in front of you while you're working on the screen.

Phil: Yeah, that is easier.

Eric: I have to go. I have to make sure you didn't wreck anything while doing my job.

Phil: Les said I did okay.

Eric: I'm sure he did.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

[Wang Chung]

Chapter six:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: So, Phil, what's going on?

Phil: Take a look.

Eric: That's a lot of ads for TV sports. So can't the moderators just delete them and ban the user?

Phil: I wouldn't have called you but they keep finding a way to come back. And, no, they haven't been banned as of yet.

Eric: Why not? If ever there was a banning offense this is it.

Phil: Here's what I got from Alice (hands Eric a printout of an email).

Eric: You know, I could sort of understand if the word got out we were shutting down, and this is a protest.

Phil: I don't think word has leaked yet.

Eric: I don't get why they chose our site.

Phil: It makes sense if you think people who watch TV would benefit the people responsible for the ads.

Eric: Except this is a chick network and ads for sports tend to target men. Now if they attacked just the Smallville and Supernatural boards I could understand.

Phil: Why is the Smallville board still up?

Eric: The people in charge figure if it's going away anyway, why deal with protests? There will be enough protests when the big day comes.

Phil: And what are we going to do about this?

Eric: We could actually benefit. People will get so mad they won't come back.

Phil: But how do we keep them coming to our Facebook and Twitter pages?

Eric: Oh, yeah. Well, still, it could cut down on real protests. Just tell the moderators to make it appear they're doing something so at least people CAN post without dodging all the spam, so a few people are still around at the end. That way we can get them to come to Facebook and Twitter and bring their friends.

Phil: You mean we can't even ban them?

Eric: We can try, but with this it might not work. People like this can find a way.

Phil: We don't allow more than one post every 30 seconds. Can't we have a similar rule for starting threads?

Eric: Now is not the time to insititute new policies.

Phil: Why not?

Eric: The people in charge have pretty much washed their hands of the boards. They benefit from feedback, so they'll let the boards stay for now. But existing policies are all we plan to enforce.

Phil: In other words, moderators are to be Nazis.

Eric: I believe I told you why that's offensive.

Phil: Oh, yeah, in this age of political correctness we can't allow ANYONE to get their feelings hurt.

Eric: I just spent the past week working alongside one of our top financial people. He had relatives in concentration camps. So ...

Phil: All right, all right.

Eric: Anyway, we are working toward a specific goal here.

Phil: I still say we should prepare people so they can keep in touch with their friends.

Eric: If they're really friends they have an alternative outlet. If they're not it's not my problem.

Phil: Whatever.

Eric: I have plenty to do. So do you.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

[Wang Chung]

Chapter seven:

(Door opens after buzzing sound)

Eric: Well, it's time.

Phil: Eric. So nice of you to make an appearance.

Eric: How is the sports spam?

Phil: Alice and the others are getting frustrated.

Eric: Well, it's about over.

Phil: You're going to let them ban the spammers?

Eric: No. A target date has been set. No more stickies except to let the people know about Facebook and Twitter.

Phil: I'll let them know.

Eric: (picks up the notebook) Here are the guidelines.

Phil: You're still going to do it this way?

Eric: Yes. No more posting as of sometime tomorrow. I'll give you an exact time to disable posting.

Phil: And then how long do we keep the boards up?

Eric: A couple of days. Then we redirect, except for the search engines.

Phil: Why do the search engines still get to access the sites?

Eric: (turns the page) Here you go.

Phil: That's insane!

Eric: Didn't you read this?

Phil: I can't read it all.

Eric: Anyway, it's pointless to have boards you can only read. Our purposes are served by Twitter and Facebook. The shows are over.

Phil: What about people who don't know?

Eric: Friends can pass the word through other means.

Phil: And how will they stay in touch?

Eric: Why exactly is that my problem?

Phil: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Tonight you will be visited by Marley and three other ghosts.

Eric: You're getting two different stories confused. And it's not me. I'm just carrying out orders.

Phil: So said German soldiers in World War II.

Eric: Stop this offensive comparison.

Phil: Why do you want to ruin people's holidays?

Eric: If this ruins anyone's holiday, that person has bigger problems than I can solve.

Phil: Come on, you can make a grand gesture without going against your bosses.

Eric: We're wasting time. Send this to Alice.

Phil: (calls up the email) Please, sir, think of Tiny Tim.

Eric: Cratchit, we are a business here. Tiny Tim is a drain on profits.

Phil: It's sent. The countdown has begun.

Eric: And so has my vacation.

Phil: Oh, wait, no one will be here to enforce the rules?

Eric: You wouldn't.

Phil: Let's keep one board open after the shutdown.

Eric: Okay, Gossip Girl will get a reprieve. You, however, will do everything else as outlined in the notebook.

Phil: At least let them provide links for new sites.

Eric: You know what that could lead to. Moderators must check all links. Something like this could lead to people posting links that will wreck their computers. No links!

Phil: Some links are obviously perfectly innocent.

Eric: No links! You make one exception and you know what you get? Anarchy!

Phil: Do you even believe?

Eric: There is no Santa Claus. Except the one in Washington spending our grandchildren's money and making us bow down to the Chinese. And the Republicans will hopefully get rid of him a year from now.

Phil: I'm not optimistic about any of them.

Eric: Just do your job. Be glad you have one.

Phil: And Alice has responded. It's under way.

Eric: Keep it that way. I'll be back.

Phil: What happened to your vacation?

Eric: I don't take vacations.

Phil: Even for Christmas?

Eric: Bah Humbug.

(Door opens after buzzing sound)