Post by davidhayes1956 on Jan 23, 2012 18:33:16 GMT -5
A word or fifty of explanation is needed here. Roger the Cart Goon is one of many personalities of a friend of mine who has written and sold many children’s book and is currently a private investigator in the state of New York. His ability to write in dialect and his uncanny knowledge on so many topics is amazing to me. His talents make me feel small. One night on the WB message boards, a woman asked if anyone could help her with an embarrassing problem by giving her some sound advice. Roger chimed in. What might normally be deemed “too much information” left me wanting more! The advice was all very sound … which is remarkable because it is so incredibly funny at the same time! He is amazing! Here are the un-edited posts:
Roger’s Advice On Hemorrhoids
Neserk:
This is gross but I need help … have you ever had a hemmeroid? Because it is annoying and I don't know how to get rid of it... anyone? anyone? Okay... I know this is way personal... but please, I'm desperate!
Roger’s responses:
Well Jeezum, finally a topic with which I am all too familiar!
Now Neserk, don't get to feelin' sad about some o' th' heartless postings in response t' yer question. Really, some o' you oughtta be ashamed o' yerselfs. This ain't funny. Jes' try passin' gas when ya got one o' them devils and you might git solids and liquids, too. Imagine THAT happenin' t' you at th' Oscars!
First of all, Neserk, is th' little bugger on th' inside or th' outside? If it's outside an' ain't too big, sometimes ya can just sorta push it up back in. Th' ones that're all th' way inside are a differnt story.
Yer doc can prescribe ya suppositories that got steroids in 'em -- that'll take down th' swellin' and therefore th' pain. Over-th'-counter stuff works fine, too; 't'all depends on how serious they is.
Docs usually rate 'roids on a scale of one to four. One through three, ya can push 'em back in or use Prep H or prescription stuff, or ya can go to a colo-rectal specialist and have 'em banded off. Now this is an experience which most men will tell ya is great practice fer if they ever go to prison. You kneel on a L-shaped table so's th' doc can tip you up with yer butt at high noon. Then there's what he warns you will be "gentle pressure." Well, t' me, "gentle pressure" is someone takin' a Polaroid o' my butt! This ain't no gentle pressure! It's like he separates yer cheeks with a metal God-knows-what, then he says "Bear down," you know, like yer about ta pop off a dukey? An' this make the 'roid swell up, and th' doc has this little metal contraption loaded with th' teeniest rubber band in th' world, and he stretches it over th' roid, which cuts off its blood supply. Fortunately, ya got hardly no nerve endings around there, so all you feels is pressure. And o' course intense humiliation because of the whole procedure, but in 36 to 48 hours y'all feel lots better, 'cause without his blood supply, th' little bustard shrivels up an' drops off.
If yers're at stage four, then th' doc's gotta cut, just ain't no way 'round it. This'll put ya down for mebbe four weeks or better, dependin'. This is when you gotta sit on a rubber donut, on account o' yer butt's just been fileted like a bigmouth bass.
If yer gittin' bleedin' an' stomach cramps, yer probably at stage 3. If you been puttin' up with stage 3 a long long time, then sorta by default yer at stage 4, so jes' go to th' doc an' tell him he's gotta blast.
I unnerstan' yer sufferin', Neserk. There'll be stars in yer crown!
More Roger comments:
Jeezum crow, Neserk, how old are ya? Sounds like yer too young ta be havin' them there netherworldly problems. Quick as a whistle, git yerself to a doc or yer OB-GYN and git this looked at. If ya got these li'l bustards an' y'ain't even had a kid yet, ya might be in fer some Rose-Bowl-Parade-sized blossoms. Never let a li'l problem grow up!
When asked if the South is rising:
'T'ain't so much as the South is risin' as sorta droopin' or swingin' mighty low. This is all metaphorical, ya unnerstan'.
Y'also better stock up on yer Neosporin an' yer cortisone cream if these li'l bustards is plannin' to bust outta butt-jail. Gotta keep it germ- an' pain-free back there.
'nother thing ta consider is diet. Stop eatin' so much cow an' git inta yer veggies. Also there's somethin' called All-Bran Buds, by the good folks who make All-Bran, 'cept th' buds actually taste good. An' fiber content? Whoooee, don't get me started! Box of them things could blast open a safe!
When asked if eating spoiled meat is good for your colon:
Why sure e. coli is good fer yer colon! It gives ya diarrhea, which quickly turns inta fatal dehydration and ya dies! An' ask any undertaker, theyll tell ya dead folks've got the best-lookin' colons, being fulla formaldehyde an' all.
But if it's more'n looks yer worried 'bout, my advice'd be steer clear (no pun intended) of yer ground beef. That stuff's got every part o' the cow in it but the moo.
An' ya know that hifalutin' kobe beef? Why that's nothin' more'n poor ole Bessie who dropped dead of old age in the barnyard, an' then some Japanese businessmen jump up 'n' down on 'er with golf cleats ta tenderize 'er. Then they sells it ta yuppies for fifty bucks an ounce.
The End
Roger’s Advice On Hemorrhoids
Neserk:
This is gross but I need help … have you ever had a hemmeroid? Because it is annoying and I don't know how to get rid of it... anyone? anyone? Okay... I know this is way personal... but please, I'm desperate!
Roger’s responses:
Well Jeezum, finally a topic with which I am all too familiar!
Now Neserk, don't get to feelin' sad about some o' th' heartless postings in response t' yer question. Really, some o' you oughtta be ashamed o' yerselfs. This ain't funny. Jes' try passin' gas when ya got one o' them devils and you might git solids and liquids, too. Imagine THAT happenin' t' you at th' Oscars!
First of all, Neserk, is th' little bugger on th' inside or th' outside? If it's outside an' ain't too big, sometimes ya can just sorta push it up back in. Th' ones that're all th' way inside are a differnt story.
Yer doc can prescribe ya suppositories that got steroids in 'em -- that'll take down th' swellin' and therefore th' pain. Over-th'-counter stuff works fine, too; 't'all depends on how serious they is.
Docs usually rate 'roids on a scale of one to four. One through three, ya can push 'em back in or use Prep H or prescription stuff, or ya can go to a colo-rectal specialist and have 'em banded off. Now this is an experience which most men will tell ya is great practice fer if they ever go to prison. You kneel on a L-shaped table so's th' doc can tip you up with yer butt at high noon. Then there's what he warns you will be "gentle pressure." Well, t' me, "gentle pressure" is someone takin' a Polaroid o' my butt! This ain't no gentle pressure! It's like he separates yer cheeks with a metal God-knows-what, then he says "Bear down," you know, like yer about ta pop off a dukey? An' this make the 'roid swell up, and th' doc has this little metal contraption loaded with th' teeniest rubber band in th' world, and he stretches it over th' roid, which cuts off its blood supply. Fortunately, ya got hardly no nerve endings around there, so all you feels is pressure. And o' course intense humiliation because of the whole procedure, but in 36 to 48 hours y'all feel lots better, 'cause without his blood supply, th' little bustard shrivels up an' drops off.
If yers're at stage four, then th' doc's gotta cut, just ain't no way 'round it. This'll put ya down for mebbe four weeks or better, dependin'. This is when you gotta sit on a rubber donut, on account o' yer butt's just been fileted like a bigmouth bass.
If yer gittin' bleedin' an' stomach cramps, yer probably at stage 3. If you been puttin' up with stage 3 a long long time, then sorta by default yer at stage 4, so jes' go to th' doc an' tell him he's gotta blast.
I unnerstan' yer sufferin', Neserk. There'll be stars in yer crown!
More Roger comments:
Jeezum crow, Neserk, how old are ya? Sounds like yer too young ta be havin' them there netherworldly problems. Quick as a whistle, git yerself to a doc or yer OB-GYN and git this looked at. If ya got these li'l bustards an' y'ain't even had a kid yet, ya might be in fer some Rose-Bowl-Parade-sized blossoms. Never let a li'l problem grow up!
When asked if the South is rising:
'T'ain't so much as the South is risin' as sorta droopin' or swingin' mighty low. This is all metaphorical, ya unnerstan'.
Y'also better stock up on yer Neosporin an' yer cortisone cream if these li'l bustards is plannin' to bust outta butt-jail. Gotta keep it germ- an' pain-free back there.
'nother thing ta consider is diet. Stop eatin' so much cow an' git inta yer veggies. Also there's somethin' called All-Bran Buds, by the good folks who make All-Bran, 'cept th' buds actually taste good. An' fiber content? Whoooee, don't get me started! Box of them things could blast open a safe!
When asked if eating spoiled meat is good for your colon:
Why sure e. coli is good fer yer colon! It gives ya diarrhea, which quickly turns inta fatal dehydration and ya dies! An' ask any undertaker, theyll tell ya dead folks've got the best-lookin' colons, being fulla formaldehyde an' all.
But if it's more'n looks yer worried 'bout, my advice'd be steer clear (no pun intended) of yer ground beef. That stuff's got every part o' the cow in it but the moo.
An' ya know that hifalutin' kobe beef? Why that's nothin' more'n poor ole Bessie who dropped dead of old age in the barnyard, an' then some Japanese businessmen jump up 'n' down on 'er with golf cleats ta tenderize 'er. Then they sells it ta yuppies for fifty bucks an ounce.
The End
