Jokes

[InsertBrainHere]

Todd and Brian were fraternity brothers at a rural college. Todd drove a 1968 Camaro which was falling apart but he liked that it made a lot of noise. One day Todd was driving into town and he started acting like a maniac. Brian said, "Stop! You want to kill us?" Todd, seeing a long straight section of highway coming up with no traffic coming the other way, said, "You wanna take the wheel?' Brian said, "Anything to make sure we get there in one piece!" Todd removed the steering wheel and handed it to Brian, who replied, "You idiot!" But as the car drifted off the right side of the road, Todd calmly put his foot on the brake, which for some odd reason made the car drift to the left.

A couple of days later Brian got a date with the Deanna, hottest girl on campus. But he didn't have a car. Todd said, "You can borrow mine." Brian said, Yeah, right. I want to impress her by taking her into town to the fanciest restaurant they have. I can't put her in your junk heap." Todd said, "You can impress her in other ways." Brian remembered how Todd could still control his car without a steering wheel, and he agreed.

So Brian and Deanna went on their date in Todd's car. Brian drove like a maniac, scaring Deanna out of her wits. As they approached that straight stretch of highway, Brian said, "You wanna take the wheel?" Deanna replied, "Let me have it!" Brian removed the wheel and handed it to Deanna, who screamed and used language a decent girl shouldn't. As the car drifted off the right side of the road, Brian calmly put his foot on the brake. But the car didn't return to the road. Instead, it plowed through two acres of corn before finally coming to a stop. Deanna got out and ran.

Back at the dorm, Brian returned to the room disgusted. He said, "It didn't work!" Todd said, "Oh, yeah, I had those brakes fixed."

[InsertBrainHere]

John went to the beach but found there were too many people. He started driving and found a beach that was remote and decided he could relax there. But as he got closer he noticed there was a sleeping fat man who wasn't wearing any clothes, though the man was holding a book. John didn't see the "Nudist Beach" sign as it had been knocked down. He looked around because he didn't want anyone to think he was weird, and he picked up the book and put it over the man's private parts.

John put out a beach towel and an umbrella and lay down in the sand. He went to sleep and pretty soon the beach was crawling with naked people. The man with the book woke up and found his book covering his private parts. John was the only one wearing clothes, so the first naked man concluded he was the one with the problem. He woke up John and asked him, "Did you cover my manhood with this book?" John looked around and realized what was going on, "Yes, sir," he said. I thought you were a pervert.

The man said to John, "I am the law in this town. You can be sure if it were illegal, I would not be doing it. In fact, sir, YOU are the one breaking the law." John said, You're a police officer?" Before the man could say anything, two of the naked people yelled out, "Your honor!" One was a woman carrying flowers and wearing a veil. The other was a man with a top hat. They were followed by a man and a woman each carrying a ring on a pillow.

The man opened his book and said to John, "Excuse me. I have to perform a wedding. But I'll deal with you later."

The moral of the story: Don't cover a judge with his book.

[InsertBrainHere]

Roger and Sara, engaged to be married, went to a karaoke bar. The winner of the talent contest was the town's justice of the peace, who performed "Stairway to Heaven" and "Whole Lotta Love".

Roger said, "He's perfect. I wonder if he sings at weddings." He walked up to the man and asked if he could sing at their wedding. The man told Roger he did weddings, and explained he could also marry the couple.

The big day came. The day was gorgeous, and Sara's parents' beautifully decorated yard was filled with people. Sara was dressed all in white and Roger stood under the gazebo next to the justice as Sara's father walked her down the aisle. The time came and the justice said his words of introduction. He asked the couple the words to which each would respond 'I do", then they exchanged rings. The justice began singing "I Love You Truly". He was terrible! Roger and Sara couldn't leave fast enough after it was over, embarrassed that they had made such a poor choice for their wedding singer.

The moral: Don't book a judge by his covers.

[InsertBrainHere]

A Jewish man and a Chinese man walk into a bar. The Jewish man punches the Chinese man. The Chinese man says, "Why did you do that?" The Jewish man says, "That's for Pearl Harbor." The Chinese man says, "Those were the Japanese." Then he punches the Jewish man, who asks why. The Chinese man says, "That's for the Titanic. The Jewish man says, "That was caused by an iceberg." The Chinese man says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

A Jewish grandmother has moved into a high-rise and wants her grandson to come visit. She gives him directions on the phone. "Open the front door with your elbow and the elevator will be on your right. Push the Up button with your elbow and went you get in press 14 with your elbow and when you get to 14 mine's the last door on the right. Ring the doorbell with your elbow." The grandson asks why he has to do everything with his elbow. His grandmother says, "You're coming empty-handed?"

Rev. Fred Phelps dies and goes to Heaven. Jesus is there to meet him. He says, 'Welcome, my son. Are you hungry?" Rev. Phelps says, "Yes, Lord." Jesus opens a can of tuna. Rev. Phelps says, "Lord, I know this is Heaven and we will never have reason to complain, but canned tuna?" Jesus says, "You want me to go to the trouble of cooking when there's just two?"

[AntiArbitrator]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos"